EXCERPT – “THE LIST MAKERS”

Ahh, the list makers. They invite you over, pour some wine and insist you help them script their dream partner into existence. Say it, write it, wish it and poof! True love. I wondered if that kind of magic might work for me too.

‘He has to be at least four inches taller than me. I need a man I can look up to.  And dark hair. Oh yes, dark hair. Heathcliffish. I love a brooding man. At least a six-figure salary.’ I’ve heard this request, or as the requestor likes to call it, “prayer,” from more than one straight female friend. I believe this particular Prince Charming must be on the endangered species list due to how many women are trying to conjure him.

And the gay girls are not much better.  “I need someone feminine. Much more feminine than me. I can’t live without feminine. Matter of fact, anything less than Sophia Vagara hot won’t do. I won’t be able to get arooooused,” they cry. I’ve  heard this “princess” request from more than one buzz cut butch in cargo pants and a wallet chain than I can count. 

I remind them that super “feminine” girls can be high maintenance. They won’t go camping with you. Won’t help you lift a couch or reprogram the remote. The buzz cut Betties grin like the Cheshire cats. “Counting on it!” 

“Okay, but don’t call me to complain when you’re trying to get out of the house in the morning, and you have to wait until she’s done putting on an hour’s worth of makeup.” 

I’ve also met people who are happy and have been with their spouses a long time.  They tell me their partner didn’t match any item on their list. Their partners were so much different than anything they imagined.  I learned from them to throw out any enumeration of traits, physical characteristics, life experiences, or achievements.   

I mean general guidelines are good like no active drug addicts, alcoholics or rageaholics. But listing everything down to the last detail removes the magic of chemistry and serendipity.  And meeting the right person is all about mystery. The magic you never saw coming.

It’s not a bad idea to think about the most important trait you’d like your dream partner to have. What would you write on every slot of your top five list if you could pick only one trait?  Once you determine that, this is your bottom line. On my list it was kind, kind, kind, kind, and kind. 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. The rest of the list was up for negotiation. 

As time went on, I found myself moving in a direction that would horrify any metaphysician. I developed more bottom lines about what I wouldn’t accept and left the rest up to God or the Universe.  I can picture every metaphysical, positive thinking person and their exploding heads when I say this. 

But as my best friend Sable reminded me, “If all of that stuff worked, Marianne Williamson wouldn’t still be single.”